Sunday, October 5, 2008

Dreams Lost

The other night I couldn't fall asleep, so I dreamed and schemed up a plan for B's 30th birthday. A surprise party, thrown with the help of his mom and stepdad. We wouldn't have enough room at our place, and they would love to help. I had many details worked out in my head and I hadn't even looked at a calendar yet. I was getting so excited - and it is about 8 months away!

But there are no guarantees. Things in May would have to be the same that they are now for this plan to work out. We couldn't move. Our friends would have to stick around. B's mom and stepdad would have to be willing to contribute, at the very least, their place. 

Divorce is not uncommon, unfortunately. Until this weekend, it has never affected me - at least, not directly. Now, my plans are falling through. A man I thought was good has decided to turn his back on 10 years of marriage. He's turned his back on the possible future of being a grandfather. He's turned his back on Truth. 

I've heard it said, and found it very true: separating/divorce feels like a death has happened. Two individuals have their own personalities, their weaknesses, their strengths, their goals and lifestyles. When two individuals marry, they keep these things and then also become one - with a third "personality," goals, weaknesses, strengths between them. With divorce, this bond dies, and that two as one dies. It is an entity that no longer exists, though the parts of it are still there. 

I'm in the stages of grief. Denial. Anger. Sadness. I pray like it can change; I plan like it won't. I want to have that surprise party in May, with a family that is whole. God of miracles, what say You?