Friday, December 28, 2007

How... embrace what unexpected life I have now? I have felt at a loss for what to do in the turbulence and unexpected events.

Maybe this is just my chance to life free again - embracing the unexpected and unknown. Life after meeting B took a turn to a certain predictability. But now, the details have not panned out. What initially felt like a punch in the gut, is now a twist, a turn, an unanticipated challenge. Whether the story looks predictable or not in retrospect, being in the moment right now guarantees an adventure.  

There have been days when I've had more questions and fewer answers. At those times, I think I felt much more alive. Less constrained. There was more potential, more fulfillment; though I did not know how it would come.  

Lord Jesus, thank you for reminding this heart of Your Sovereignty. Thank You for the gift of the unknown. Thank You for streams in the desert and for the promises that You will never leave or forsake us - in the valley or on the mountain.

Thursday, December 27, 2007

Abba, help me to remember

Predominately, mortality is not something one will face in the early years of life. You may be fortunate enough to last until your third or even fourth decade of life before one close to you passes on. As a Christian, a certain maturity is gained from this experience that cannot be gained elsewhere. This is what I am learning.  

Though I lost an aunt when I was in high school, the prospect of death did not hit extremely close. The event showed God's faithfulness in a special way, but that is another story for another time. The recent news of the cancer in my grandfather has seemed much more affecting; much more real.  

I am in a place where dreams are growing, hope is motivating. I am beginning a career. We have two incomes and a dog. I work and I work out. We make plans and remodel rooms. Life seems almost unconquerable. But then, like a small hole in a swollen balloon, a little piece of news can make all these plans slowly, slowly shrink away. Their value turns to dust. And it makes one wonder - "what really matters?"  

I know what truly matters. I was raised right. There are things temporal and things eternal. This I know. But, this I forget. In the business of life, in the planning, the dreaming. In the making of the budget and the holiday foods. Even in the giving and sometimes the praying, I forget the eternal.  

In the eternal, all things are whole. In the eternal, there are no goodbyes. In the eternal, there is no fear and are no questions. Neither is there tears, sadness or pain. But today is not eternal. Today, or tomorrow I may have to say goodbye...I will have to feel pain...I will continue to have questions.  

But the eternal shines behind each happening. The Spirit of God whispers comfort in times that I cannot bear. The Eyes of the King see my tears in the shower, in my bed, in my sleep. The Lord lets me ask questions and promises, someday, to answer.  

This I know. But this, I forget.  

Abba, succurro mihi ut memor.