Sunday, January 20, 2008

Over a cup of tea

Today I met with a friend with whom I've had a strained relationship for the past four years or so. There was a time that we lived together, talked everything out with one another and helped each other through the ups and downs. Life progressed as it does and when certain changes came, we did not handle them with the maturity or the love we should have. For the last few years, we have stayed in touch, but our contact has been similar to that one may have with his dentist - nervously anticipated biannual meetings with minor discomfort, and in the end, nothing consequential coming of it.

Today was different and it was a wonderful blessing. I am partly mourning the years of potential friendship that we lost, but it is easy to see that I have been refined and tested through the experience. Today we met together and began with usual awkwardness that soon gave way to a heart to heart and some reliving of the past. It was a wonderful, honest exchange with a painful reminder or two, but it mostly felt good to begin some true, authentic healing on the situation. God is good. 

Thank you Father for returning this friend in my life. It reminds me to not be so ungrateful for my friendships. They are valuable, sharpening me like iron, showing me a part of You through their words, and messing it up sometimes just like I do. I praise you and give you all the glory for granting me another chance with this friend I hurt long ago. Merciful God, You are the Redeemer of souls, the Mender of hearts.

Friday, January 18, 2008


My real feelings come out eventually. I usually try to suffocate them, or at least magnify the positive feelings and brush over the harder ones. But they are there. They leaked out for a while yesterday. I realized I was feeling so angry. Not with complete reason, but I certainly don't feel anger for no reason at all. I wrote a little - journaling fills a space that this typed record cannot. I felt better once I let the words out and let myself cry a bit.

It is not just that we haven't gotten pregnant yet. It is that I have not had a normal cycle since September/October. My body is not doing what it is supposed to. I feel somewhat betrayed - by nature, by Him. But I trust the Lord's timing. It is frustrating and it hurts. But - where else would I go? I can only run to You, Lord. Even in the valley, You are there.

I could run away, 
You would never leave,
You will always be 
Right by my side.


Monday, January 14, 2008

Career Woman?

I have been changing lately. I can feel it, but I don't know if others can perceive it. And while I am happy, satisfied, and grateful... the change makes me a little afraid. Because I'm changing into someone I did not think I would be.

I have a friend who, along with her husband, was on the 5-7 year baby plan. Notice I said 
was. She and her husband have not finished college yet and they have been on birth control... definitely no plan for babies. But, surprise! She is about to see her first child face-to-face. In the last year, it has been fun to watch her move from independent student/employee to a mommy-to-be. She and her husband will be absolutely wonderful parents. 

I have always wanted to be a mother. Moving into the workforce scared me a little, but I figured I'd do it for a while. Just to pay off some debt and, well, it just sounded like the right thing to do. Yet I've always thought that my deepest desire was to be a mother. God is so funny. I don't think my desires have changed, but God certainly has guided my path in a direction I did not expect. I am about half-way done with the school year. We have not been using any kind of protection since September. No baby yet. Some days (and around certain people) that makes me hurt inside. I can truly say I've experienced that ache I've heard about. I 
want to be a mother. I want to have a child. I feel there are few things in my life that could be more important than doing this. But the Father has not given me a child of my own. Not yet.

Sometimes this scares me. As of last Tuesday, we have been married for three years. I really never considered that we would be in this kind of a life. But the Father is all-knowing, all-guiding. In the middle of this kind of life, I have become a better person. My work and its demands have made me more confident and improved my ability to communicate professionally and personally. I am more organized and I thrive on this 8 to 5 schedule, as boring as it sounds. I would venture to say I am a bit smarter. Of course there are areas that are not perfect. I have a hard time eating healthy foods consistently because we are both busy. Home projects are not getting done because we are often tired on weekends and just maintain things. We often have to plan out when we can actually sit down and talk to each other. But the Lord is blessing us and providing for us. We are in a godly community of friends. We have a stable, secure financial setup. We have each other and supportive, loving family. We are so blessed. 

I still have desires and aches for what is not here yet. I know that time will come, in one way or another. For now, I have the adventure of a life I did not plan or decide on. I am so grateful that our Sovereign God is the Path-Layer... the Heart-Provider... the King of my life.

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Next Time

Sometimes, I am so hesitant. I analyze. And I'm even hesitant about writing that. Because, maybe, I'm not too hesitant. Maybe I'm just hesitant enough; hesitant in a healthy way.

I just don't know. And if I short myself by missing out on things because of this hesitancy, I'm not really aware of it. I think that tonight, I did hesitate too much. I planned on not participating in something, but then it crossed my mind to go ahead and do it. But since I had planned otherwise, I did not change my mind.

If I had changed my mind would I have been happier? Would life be more full? I don't know. I guess what I know for sure is that right now, I am spending time second-guessing things that cannot be changed. I have a lesson I can draw from here, but if I dwell on it, I may just foster more regrets. So. I must move on. To the the next chance.