I have been changing lately. I can feel it, but I don't know if others can perceive it. And while I am happy, satisfied, and grateful... the change makes me a little afraid. Because I'm changing into someone I did not think I would be.
I have a friend who, along with her husband, was on the 5-7 year baby plan. Notice I said was. She and her husband have not finished college yet and they have been on birth control... definitely no plan for babies. But, surprise! She is about to see her first child face-to-face. In the last year, it has been fun to watch her move from independent student/employee to a mommy-to-be. She and her husband will be absolutely wonderful parents.
I have always wanted to be a mother. Moving into the workforce scared me a little, but I figured I'd do it for a while. Just to pay off some debt and, well, it just sounded like the right thing to do. Yet I've always thought that my deepest desire was to be a mother. God is so funny. I don't think my desires have changed, but God certainly has guided my path in a direction I did not expect. I am about half-way done with the school year. We have not been using any kind of protection since September. No baby yet. Some days (and around certain people) that makes me hurt inside. I can truly say I've experienced that ache I've heard about. I want to be a mother. I want to have a child. I feel there are few things in my life that could be more important than doing this. But the Father has not given me a child of my own. Not yet.
Sometimes this scares me. As of last Tuesday, we have been married for three years. I really never considered that we would be in this kind of a life. But the Father is all-knowing, all-guiding. In the middle of this kind of life, I have become a better person. My work and its demands have made me more confident and improved my ability to communicate professionally and personally. I am more organized and I thrive on this 8 to 5 schedule, as boring as it sounds. I would venture to say I am a bit smarter. Of course there are areas that are not perfect. I have a hard time eating healthy foods consistently because we are both busy. Home projects are not getting done because we are often tired on weekends and just maintain things. We often have to plan out when we can actually sit down and talk to each other. But the Lord is blessing us and providing for us. We are in a godly community of friends. We have a stable, secure financial setup. We have each other and supportive, loving family. We are so blessed.
I still have desires and aches for what is not here yet. I know that time will come, in one way or another. For now, I have the adventure of a life I did not plan or decide on. I am so grateful that our Sovereign God is the Path-Layer... the Heart-Provider... the King of my life.