My real feelings come out eventually. I usually try to suffocate them, or at least magnify the positive feelings and brush over the harder ones. But they are there. They leaked out for a while yesterday. I realized I was feeling so angry. Not with complete reason, but I certainly don't feel anger for no reason at all. I wrote a little - journaling fills a space that this typed record cannot. I felt better once I let the words out and let myself cry a bit.
It is not just that we haven't gotten pregnant yet. It is that I have not had a normal cycle since September/October. My body is not doing what it is supposed to. I feel somewhat betrayed - by nature, by Him. But I trust the Lord's timing. It is frustrating and it hurts. But - where else would I go? I can only run to You, Lord. Even in the valley, You are there.
I could run away,
You would never leave,
You will always be
Right by my side.